It’s hard to believe that I’ve been living in Saipan for over a month now. Thanks to the passing time, some things have become much easier (like navigating the grocery stores); while some things are works in progress (driving during the rainy season) and some still remain frustratingly dumbfounding (repelling damned mosquitoes). I’m also beginning to develop some semblance of a routine, which gives me a lot of peace.
I have written (and scrapped) several versions of this post, but it’s very tricksy to talk about “finding yourself” without feeling obnoxiously indulgent and self-important /self-righteous. At the same time, writing about fitness and food feels disingenuous because that’s not what I’m thinking about right now. I guess, to be honest, I’m mostly thinking about myself.
Having the luxury of being a childless housewife means lots of time for eating snacks and asking yourself questions like, “What kind of person do I want to be?” and “What do I want to show for my time?” Needless to say, engaging in the former is much more comfortable than the latter. Any time I feel overwhelmed by the weight of these questions, I try to remember how fortunate I am for the opportunity to ponder them. So, briefly, this is what my brain has been mulling over lately:
The Kind of Person that I Want to Be or 5 Attributes to Cultivate:
- Generosity – through volunteering with a local organization.
- Calm – through further studies of Buddhism and meditation.
- Focus – through consistent sleep and regular exercise.
- Self-awareness – through writing and reflecting.
- International awareness (basic knowledge of current events and geography) – through…? I’m a little stumped. Listen to more NPR? I don’t really have regular internet access :-/
What I Want to Show for my Time or 5 Intentions:
- I want a better understanding of the world, my place in it, and how other people live.
- I want to develop local relationships and interact with the community here in a positive way.
- I want to collect personal essays in an informal writing portfolio (i.e. a folder on my computer’s desktop).
- I want the confidence of knowing that I’m a kickass housewife who can improvise with local ingredients (taro pancake!), change windshield wipers, and gut a damned fish.
- I want the self-awareness of knowing that I can define myself in other ways besides my job.
Um, so there you have it; I don’t know how to wrap it up and provide any kind of takeaway. I kinda feel like that drunk girl who awkwardly bares her soul while you wait in line for the bathroom, so I’m just gonna exit awkwardly.
Bye. I love you guys
Any advice for weathering existential crises?